Monday, August 23, 2010

Lawn care

This has been around for a while, and it's always made me laugh. It arrived in my inbox again today, so I'm posting it here in case you've never seen it:

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:  'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.


ROUGH.ROSA said...

So much interventions when all we need to do sometimes is to just let nature takes its course.

A very light read but worthwhile. Thanks.

Terra Mirabilis said...

Hi, Rosa. Thanks for visiting. It's not a serious post, but there's still a lot of truth it, especially in the USA.

Ami said...

LOL! Reading this does make me thinking human being is getting dumber :)

Terra Mirabilis said...

Hi, Ami. Well, you'll get no argument from me! ;-)

NanaK said...

Isn't that the truth? I'm trying to use more organics on the garden. I don't have much grass anyway so I'm looking at ground cover replacements. Good homemade compost from weeds and plant trimmings is free. Makes the chore of weeding seem less agravating if I can get something useful from it.

Terra Mirabilis said...

Nana: I like to have a bit of lawn, but I don't want or need much. I haven't found a satisfactory alternative that will grow here, either. Any ideas?

Kimberly said...

I'm still laughing!!! This is GREAT! I've not read this before so I'm so glad you shared!! Fantastic!!!

Terra Mirabilis said...

Kim, I'm always happy when I make people laugh. So glad you enjoyed it. I hope you're sharing it, too. A friend in NC who's having "lawn issues" with her homeowners' assoc. forwarded it to the board!

James Missier said...

Im pretty sure God is laughing now reading your blog. Thanks for sharing this.
I can imagine those who love lawns and their facial expression after reading this. LOL.

Terra Mirabilis said...

James, I suspect the folks the story is about simply don't recognize themselves...

bartley said...

Poor St. Francis, God loves him very much to mock. Still, got in my head. "Hey please stop the laugh(Talking to me)"

feel free to visit my site. Houston Lawn Mowing

Terra Mirabilis said...

Thanks, Bartley. I suspect St. Francis is happy to be the source of so much mirth.

-- Penny